Tuesday, January 06, 2009

[Actual Post Date: 11/06/06]

The time is 11:45 p.m., and I cannot sleep. I should be, so that I can work tomorrow, but my fury and anger have reached over the boiling point. Thoughts of the mother and our past, most of which was mentioned in post # six will not stop circling in my head. I have really tried to avoid the word, but I just cannot hold back the unspeakable hatred I have for the baby momma. From the ill-treatment she displayed throughout our relationship that was littered with lies and deceit, to now the power of silence offering not one solitary fact of our child. All the while knowing full well that doing so is killing me.

Her profound lack of a conscience, her willingness to hurt others and not let it be a second thought, and disgusting power-grab mentality and God-complex makes me wish to only vomit. Myself, and a handful of men of her past have stomached this waste of human flesh in hopes that she would understand that she hurts people, and perhaps a change of ways would be best for her. That any direct opposition to her type of thinking from others only enrages her, and eventually will force her to unleash the full-demon that she is; hence, forcing the man with her to only flee.

But myself, like the others who tried to stick-it-out with her wild and childish nasty ways, all held our tongues more feverishly than we should have had to, because we knew that she would learn more by us doing less to stop her incessant rants. It is a woman like this that is a symbol of what gives others of her sex a bad name. And to credit her with yet another sick statement, before I pursued the harassment charge, one of her last voicemails on my phone was, "Well, I was going to let you know the sex of the baby, but I guess you don't care". It is amazing how she will treat you like shit, then afterwards, acquire a borrowed conscience and actually say something decent. But that is just it. She has to do that in order to say anything decent.

However, sometimes I think that the only reason why I haven't acquired a hatred of all women is because I know that there are very few women that are this vindictive and sociopathic. That my baby momma is the epitome of uncontrollable hate, psychological madness and a disease of all the worst kind all in one. I have heard many stories about very cruel women, and less than the amount of fingers I have on one hand come close to this one.

You may have noticed, if you have read previous posts, that I will now be leaving the previous post picture at the top of each post. I don't know for how long, but I have a feeling it will be quite a while. It really defines everything that I am going through, everything that this blog embodies, and symbolizes why the court of law must look more favorably on the rights of fathers. Most especially when they are fighting tooth-and-nail on every front to be a part of their child's life; and more importantly, under the current severe persecution and prejudice that men are nothing but dead-beats.

I recently sent emails back and forth to a father's rights organizations' founder, and it was good for a little while. But he insisted that I really need to tone it down, and exploiting the issue like I am in my blog is not legally wise. That the court could get ahold of it, and more importantly the baby momma, and use it against me and I could lose any chance of being in my child's life at all.

But I remained unmoved. Sure, what I am doing in this blog probably isn't a good idea, and yes, he has a point. But there are many reasons why I don't feel that it would work against me. First of all, baby momma doesn't have any clue that I have a blog, let alone am online, let alone that I even have a computer. It is as I have stated many times before on here and to those around me: when I found out that my baby momma was pregnant, my entire world changed.

My life passed before my eyes, and I became an entirely different person virtually overnight. All of my dreams and hopes for the future were immediately cancelled, as I made my future child my hopes and dreams. That that is all I want, now. I don't care to have a fancy car, I don't care to have a fancy house, a good wife or girlfriend, and I don't care to have any more children. This situation, if my words haven't been enough, has been the single greatest poison pill I have ever swallowed. The thought of exclusive love, marriage and family has now been totally desecrated. Luckily, I am at the age where I have experienced a great deal in life. I have done a lot in these thirty-plus years, and I am content with my endeavors to date.

I also see the idea that it is well-past time for me to settle down. It is time for me to go from sixth gear back to second. It's time that I really let go of all the "young" things that I used to do or still do, and focus entirely on being the best father I could ever be. To work hard every day, and come home to my child and be in their life. Know how their day was, find out what they learned, discuss issues that are hard for the young to understand, and attempt to pass down knowledge that I have come to understand.

One thing that I do regret at this current time is that I haven't spent any time writing in my future child's journal. My anger and frustration level is at such an all time high, that it would be difficult to speak gently to my child. I don't want him/her to see me like this. I don't want him/her to know that dad is capable of this type of fury. And I don't want him/her to know what I really think of his/her mother.

The law research, the blogging, and the pursuit of more men's rights leverage continues...



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